Now that the video game business is a bigger industry than even movies we’re starting to see games coming out based on just about everything. As gamers, one would think we’d be excited to see our hobby of choice getting so much attention, but the sad truth is some IPs just don’t make good games. To prove my point I’ve decided to take a look at some of the worst. Just be glad I did it so you won’t have to.

CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

I bloody hate this show. My hatred extends to all three current versions of the show and is likely to include any subsequent versions as well. I think the main problem for me is that all the highly specialized computer programs they use seem to have a crazy, custom designed 3D interface. Or maybe it’s the way the scientists feel the need to explain the simplest of concepts to the other scientists in easy to understand terms during the course of their investigations. Didn’t they all go to school for this stuff? Whether you’re a fan of the show or not, the fact is this IP should never have been turned into a video game, let alone 6 of them.

The games themselves loosely resemble the point and click adventures of old, but without any of the humor or challenge that kept adventure fans coming back for more.

In CSI, players are thrust into the shoes of a CSI recruit and charged with collecting evidence from various crime scenes and…well investigating stuff. All the while your partner is leaning over your shoulder, pointing you in the right direction lest casual players get frustrated and give up. I’m told the newer games have interrogation segments as well with branching dialogue paths like some sort of Japanese dating sim.

Clearly every dev. that’s had this horrid IP thrust upon them by a greedy publisher has tried hard to make these games not suck, but the fact is slow paced shows about pathological science just don’t make for good games.

Burger King

Burger King released a few Xbox games a couple of years ago. There was a Kart racer, a bumper cars simulation and a Metal Gear Solid clone, all of which featured the Burger King himself as a playable character. The games, priced at a very reasonable $4 a piece, proved to be a big hit with gamers and fast food enthusiasts. This brings to mind an interesting question. What the bloody hell is wrong with people? These are games starring a fast food mascot. Do I really need to say any more?

Lost

Personally I think Lost is the best thing to happen to TV in years. I’ve seen some valid complains leveled against the show and I understand that it isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. One thing I think we can all agree on is that whoever initially conceived of a video game based on Lost should be fired.

Now don’t get me wrong, the Lost game isn’t that terrible. It looked fairly nice and the devs managed to come up with an interesting story by focusing on a survivor who had never been featured on the actual series. Via Domus is about one of those guys you see milling about in the background on TV sometimes. The problem with this game is that it just doesn’t have a purpose.

While the devs did a decent enough job making a game out of nothing, the fact remains this game really never should have been made in the first place and for all it’s polish it can’t escape the fact that it’s basically pointless and unnecessary.

Aerosmith

These guys aren’t exactly my favorite band, but it’s hard to deny their influence on modern rock music and they seem like a nice enough bunch of guys. I know some of you are thinking that Aerosmith isn’t exactly an IP, it’s a band, but I’d say they transcended the “band” label years ago. You can get Aerosmith lunch boxes, Aerosmith posters, toys, clothing, “tobacco” smoking devices and yes, even video games. Pointless, stupid video games.

Aerosmith isn’t the only band to try to cash in on the gaming craze, Kiss and Iron maiden come to mind, but as far as I know Aerosmith were the first to do it and they’re guilty of trying it more than once. Guitar Hero Aerosmith was released recently and I suppose as video game tie-ins go it’s a fairly good one, if a tad silly.

The first Aerosmith game was an arcade shooter released way back in 1994. As shooters go it wasn’t terrible, but the Aerosmith connection is laughable at best. Not only is the band featured heavily on the game’s soundtrack, but they actually appear in the game. If memory serves they’re kidnapped before a big show and you, the player, are tasked with rescuing them.

I wandered down to a nearby pub that used to have an actual working Revolution X machine to confirm this, but it had been replaced with an Area 51 cabinet when I got there. I asked the bartender what happened to the Revolution X cabinet, but he hadn’t even noticed the difference. Ah well…

Monster Garage

This spot could have easily gone to Pimp My Ride, but Monster Garage came out first and both games are equally pointless in exactly the same kind of way. At least Pimp My Ride has enough of a following that the publisher probably made a few dollars off it. Did anyone even buy the Monster Garage game? Where exactly is welding stuff and tightening nuts and bolts supposed to get fun? For god’s sake, how did this game even get past the concept stage?

Hey gaming industry are you listening? Good. Please stop with the stupid cash grabs. Some IPs just aren’t meant for gaming. Oh, and while you’re at it, stop ruining perfectly good gaming IPs by making terrible movies out of them. ‘Nuff said.